Work to Live: What Carpe Diem OUR Way means to me!
this beginning of this post was written almost two years ago. It was originally posted on my wordpress blog, but i felt it was too raw, and i was too unstable to ramble on about my world and my struggles. But today, i sit here, having walked away from a comfy career, ready to embrace the future! This is what inspired Carpe Diem OUR Way. I want to live my life, by seizing it and exploring it, and experiencing everything in my wildest dreams. While that may mean we still cling to some of the “American Dream” of a house and possessions and the need for a job at some point, I want to do things MY way!
Jan 15th 2015
A day I will not soon forget
Today while I sit in my cubicle at a job I really do like, I realized that I don’t really want to do it anymore.
It will probably be the most difficult time in my life, saying goodbye to this place, the stable paycheck, the team of people who work under me, my boss who has supported me through the last 10 years of my life. I have been here since I was 19. But a lot has changed in 10 years. Marriage, house, 2 kids and a cat. We have what everyone thinks is the perfect life. But inside, it’s not.
My husband has been struggling with mental illness for the past 4 months. It started out with coping issues; not being able to cope with a noisy 3 and 1 year old, not being able to cope with his job. But it lead to our decision for him to take some time off work (because that, in our eyes was his only option, leaving his family was not what we wanted) and after 5 days of that, he landed in the local Emergency Room, after thoughts of suicide that he couldn’t get out of his head. I don’t know what lead me to call him at lunch that day, to hear him feeling helpless and lost. But I did. And now that the “cat is out of the bag” so to speak, we can talk about negative thoughts, and suicide and what to do when he is feeling like he might harm himself. We have pushed down that stigma about mental illness and that he should just “feel better.” we have accepted it as a part of our lives. As a family, we will deal with it!
Does this make it easy to leave him and go to work everyday? The simple answer is no. But I know that he really doesn’t want to kill himself, and I believe he will reach out to one of our four “what to do” scenarios and prevent an awful action from occurring.
The last four months have seen us through doctors, hospitals, social workers, tests, councilors, psychiatrists, countless prescriptions and essential oils. It is still a work in progress; our family is still living this. But at least we are not living the nightmare that we could have been had we not sought out help for him.
Some days are normal. Some days are good. But other days are bad. That is our life, we are just taking it one day at a time and hopefully it turns into more good days than bad.
But still I sit here, and I have decided that I don’t want to spent 45 waking hours every week stuck here; trying to pay the bills so that we can have one week away together on a family holiday. I want more. The four of us together is the most important thing to me. Nothing else matters. Not the $500K mortgage, the cars, putting our kids in every sport under the sun, living the “American dream.” The American dream is not for me. Its not for us. The American dream will likely kill my husband.
Today, over two years after these struggles began, we are more on track. To a point. Ramio’s life is stable; the thoughts of suicide are a distant past. Some days are harder than others, but most are cope-able.
In September 2016, Mattias started Kindergarten. “We had made it”, some would say. No more $1000 daycare bill, but after school care still remained while i was at work until 4pm. It was killing me not being able to see his teacher. I NEVER thought that would bother me. NEVER. I was the career-driven, love what I do, take everything in stride, plan the next vacation type person. But the simple thing of being able to pick my son up from Kindergarten and say a few words to his teacher urked me. Who knew something so small would become something that would eat at me.
I continued to travel, well WE traveled. 2016 found us in Hawaii, San Diego, Disneyland, and Jordan. We spent the weekends visiting Great Wolf Lodge, Seattle, camping (i mean “glamping”) at Kawkawa Lake, visits to Kamloops, Victoria, and Point Roberts.
But every Monday morning found me miserably crawling out of bed (late) and dragging myself to work.
I did not know how to walk away from the stable paychq, to figure out how to pay our mortgage, car payments, how to balance the things I loved, such as Markus’s daycare, and gymnastics classes for the boys and their friends! It DID NOT bother me what other people thought. That had never been a problem.
Alis Volat Propriis is marked proudly on my arm. “She Flies with Her OWN Wings” this is me!
“Fake” was the first response I received, from fellow contributor, Christi no less! But I did remember entering some kind of contest that was promoted by fellow travel bloggers. It couldn’t be fake, could it?
After getting out of the dentist I set my sights on google. “Was this for Real?”
Well, as you can see from our post Holy S#!T we are going to Jordan, IT WAS REAL.
And it was amazing! It was the catalyst to the culmination of ideas on Jan 15th 2015.
Today, i am jobless. Ok not jobless, but I have left the corporate world, in exchange for the ability to work to live!
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